ToadieZzz

And why I’m choosing to believe in myself moving into the new year.

Alternate title: Good-bye, shit sandwiches.

One year ago today I officially quit my regular day job to pursue this online career full-time. It was an irresponsible choice in one way as I certainly wasn’t making full-time income online. But I was suffering in the toxicity of that workplace and struggling to find a reason to get out of bed every morning. I was headed to a dark place. So it was responsible in another way – for my health.

Here I am exactly one year later and I’ve found my reasons to get out of bed in the morning. I’m inspired to create. I want to entertain. I want to provide spaces where people know they can ignore the shit sandwiches of the world and just enjoy some games or scares or whatever other vibes I put up. Where they know that no one will be permitted in the community that doesn’t share our values. I want to show that there is genuine kindness in the world. And, selfishly, I’m inspired to succeed.

It should be fairly common knowledge by now that I’m extraordinarily introverted. Now what this does not mean is that I don’t like other people. It does mean that it costs me more effort and energy than your average extrovert to interact with others. I need to be alone to properly recharge and so infrequently am I granted that opportunity.

Though I knew it would cost me true exhaustion, I believed that in order to succeed I had to collaborate with others, both on and off screen. On screen is obvious. Off screen meant hanging out in Discords, sharing ideas, stats, thoughts. And for a good few months I did just this. I may have stepped in with my input less frequently than others, but I gave insight where I felt I could add value to the conversation. It felt great to have coworkers of a sorts. To be in a private space to just talk shop.

Until it felt less great. Until in three completely separate places, from my view, the vibe of the entire group was thrown off by one shit sandwich. In one, casual bigotry. In another, ignorant and callous treatment of others. In the last, participation of someone openly against the rights of half the world’s population.

Please understand. I was brought up on the “Bambi rule”. If I have nothing kind to say, I tend to not say anything at all. I also avoid drama in every possible way because I find it exhausting. But situations like the above are where my line is drawn.

In all these cases I waited, took time to reassess myself and if I was being too emotional in my reaction. No – these were situations where a person or group of people were being treated or spoken about in an unacceptable way. I waited and tried to look at what was presented from different angles. Was the person in question being misinterpreted? No – They were clear with their words. I waited to see if anyone else would say anything. No – it seemed no one else wanted to “stir the pot”.

So I did.

I would have no integrity if I didn’t. How could I put myself forward as an entertainer, tell my audience to stand up for who and what they believe in, and then just… Sit aside while people treat others with hate? I was considerate but firm in my responses, explaining why what was said was not acceptable.

Each time I received multiple private messages from others in the Discord groups thanking me for standing up and saying that they felt the same. While this helped my confidence in my admonishment, I couldn’t help but feeling let down that they didn’t offer the same support publicly and speak against what was said. That they wouldn’t stand up for kindness.

Each time the response from the individual in question was lackluster. To say the least. And still no support from the rest of the group – though some had promised exactly that.

So each time I just left. Witnessing backhanded comments and the ugly underbelly of creator spaces was not worth any benefit of insight or collaboration. I’ve been ghosted during collab planning. I’ve been overwhelmed with drama on streamer Twitter. I’ve been inundated with other creators commenting, chatting, posting thinly disguised self-promo. I’m frustrated.

But let’s move on to the good in this story.

I learned that while I am usually so shy to confrontation and am never one to dive in to drama, I will put my money where my mouth is and stand up for who and what I believe in. Both publicly and privately. And I’ll be damned before I ever let the worry of “stirring the pot” stop me.

Moving into 2023 I’m planning to take a different, more solitary approach to creation. I’ve proven this year that I have all the ability I need to succeed. And if I can’t do something just yet, I sure as shit can learn how. I look forward to finding new ways to challenge myself and the incredible highs when those challenges pay off.

The pessimist in me wants to say that the energy spent on trying to mingle with other creators through this last year resulted in a net negative. Which leads to me heading into the new year with a desire for solitude. And I do believe there’s value in that.

However.

The optimist in me understands that the shit sandwiches were more likely equaled out or, really, overshadowed by the good eggs. I forged some incredible friendships this year. I have met and connected with people that I would jump out of my chair, across the world, and in front of a bus for. And I will continue to focus on these connections for the foreseeable future and welcome any new found friendships.

But in general, I will move forward on my own. I will remind myself each day that I have the strength and capacity to set myself challenges, face them, and surpass even my own expectations with them. I don’t need to tolerate intolerance and accept unkindness in creator spaces to produce entertaining content and thrive in my own spaces. I can say good-bye to shit sandwiches.

I encourage you to take stock of who you have around you. Would you be proud to say “I know this person’s values and am their friend or peer”? What do you believe in? Are you standing up for it? Who do you believe in? Are you standing up for them – even if that means standing up for yourself?

Here’s to being kind in 2023. 💙