ToadieZzz

And why that’s perfect for me.

Another time I will write on why I started streaming and more of my early journey, but for now know I moved to Twitch June 22^nd of 2020 and that day is when I started to take this thing seriously.

Even on Mixer I didn’t exactly half-ass anything – my pride wouldn’t let me. I put together the best stream I knew how to, and what I didn’t know, I Googled.

What I couldn’t exactly Google, however, was a better example of what the streaming space looked and felt like at a higher level. When Mixer announced their shut down on that day I knew this was an opportunity for me to grow – as a streamer, yes, but also as an individual – beyond my limited experience on their platform.

What I didn’t know was just how substantial the jump in quality could and should be.

On Mixer I was a smallish fish in a medium-small pond. On Twitch I was a tadpole wading into the ocean.

Over time I went from extremely amateur graphics made myself, to generally better graphics and overlays that I put more care and learning into, to adding professional, commissioned art where I can.

I went from putting myself at risk playing any music I wanted, to learning and understanding copyright and using only music from trusted sources that wouldn’t claim DMCA.

I cleaned up my messy overlays and put effort into the background behind me rather than relying on a green screen.

I’ve spent countless hours learning programs adjacent to OBS like Touch Portal and MixItUp to provide a tidy and reliable bot experience that I still haven’t mastered.

I started a presence on social media and got a website, leading to this blog and the possibility of a mailing list.

I focused the scope of games I play and stuck to a specific feel – or vibe, if you will – that I wanted for my spaces.

Still I have so much to learn and implement.

After all these largely technical and data-driven improvements, there was still the social side of it all. The mental capability and emotional integrity that I would need to master for further success.

That’s where I currently find the most challenge and often feel a little stuck.

Through my childhood and even well into my adulthood I was constantly told some combination of “you’re so smart you can do anything” and “you’re worthless and don’t do anything right”. Naturally today this leaves me with a substantial weight of self-doubt to carry.

A list of hesitancies and worries I experience every day as a creator:

• Do I need to look like I’m doing more during my Starting Soon screen?
• Did I make the right decision by not posting go-lives and video notifications on Twitter?
• Should I wear makeup and worry people are there just because I’m a woman, or be more comfortable without it and worry I’m not using all the tools available to me to capture an audience?
• How do I overcome the complete blanks in my head during a stream when someone says something completely out of left field?
• Am I a bitch for not letting children in my spaces?
• Do any other adults actually prefer a child-free space or am I out of line?
• Am I being dramatic when I tell someone their behaviors are unkind or bigoted?
• Do other creators avoid working with me because I have a standard for the above – one I feel is pretty reasonable?
• Do I not push monetization enough?
• Am I overthinking parasocial relationships and trying too hard to avoid them, making it more difficult to grow a community?
• Do I put out enough content?
• Could I possibly put out any more anyways?
• Why does it seem to take me so long to create a video compared to others?
• Are every single one of my viewers people that leave me in a tab to “support” but don’t actually engage or find entertainment in my streams?
• How do I be more entertaining with this much anxiety?
• Can I really make this a career as an introvert?
• Have I fucked myself networking-wise by being open about being an introvert?
• How can I express sincere gratitude for support without feeling parasocial or just straight up emotional?
• How do I get people engaged in stream, social, Discord, without being pushy?

All of this and more is floating through my head at any given time. While responding in Discord, posting on YouTube’s community page, even – and maybe especially – while I’m live.

It feels impossible to process.

And that may just be the crux of why I enjoy it so much.

Sometimes it becomes so much that my brain seems to shut down and go on auto-pilot. This may be my favourite. It’s a release from the never ending, 24-7 stream of thoughts in my head and I’m just acting and reacting. It’s both its own challenge and reward.

The much less immediate reward will be conquering it. Rising above my anxiety and beyond people’s social expectations and my own self-doubts and finding success.

I’ve done it with everything else the world said I couldn’t do. Why not do it with streaming?