ToadieZzz

And why I’m so upset by what’s happening in America.

When I take a step back and look over my time I’ve lived a pretty privileged life. I’m white. I’m straight. I identify with the body I was born to. I was raised on the cusp of lower and middle class, but was never at risk of being homeless. I got my first full time job at 16 and have been working since then.

I also grew up with amazing men in my life. My dad taught me to change my car tires, change my oil, my brake pads and rotors. Had me do my share of heavy lifting and dirty work when we built a new garage. Taught me the basics of replacing a ceiling fan and receptacles so that I would have a head start into my electrical apprenticeship.

He drove me from working in that apprenticeship to my ballet classes without even a hint of consideration that the two activities were so oppositely gendered (in stereotype). Celebrated me expressing myself through my clothing, hair, tattoos, piercings. Let me test ride his Honda Shadow 750 even though I knew how much he loved that damn bike and how nervous he was to see me struggle with its weight.

He let my best friend live with us after living with another friend who’s father had made extremely inappropriate advances to her, buying her sex toys without prior discussion, consent, anything reason at all to ever think it’s okay to buy a teenage girl a sex toy and try to get her to have creepy fucking conversations about it.

My dad brought this friend into our house, asked for her consent to have a difficult conversation with her and asked if she wanted me or anyone else present (she didn’t – she trusted my dad) and provided her with phone numbers and addresses of all of the resources a teenage girl who’s in trouble needs. He told her his expectation was that she would clearly tell him if she was ever uncomfortable in our house and if she wasn’t comfortable telling him, she could tell me, any of our aunts, call the cops. Anything. Later in our lives he lent me his car so I could drive her to Toronto for an abortion.

This is the calibre of man I grew up with. He raised his son with these values (and obviously us girls too).

Even working in the trades I never faced extraordinarily difficult prejudice. I certainly had men sexually harass me or try to take advantage of my youth and their position, but I was never in fear. I had sex with one of my co workers in the trade and when the condom broke he brought up Plan B before I did. When I agreed it was best he immediately drove us to the pharmacy and bought the Plan B pill for me. Without any thought of sending me in to buy it instead.

Then here I am. About to turn 32 years old in 2022. And while Roe being overturned was predicted a while ago, it still feels like out of absolutely no where I am suddenly, officially declared a lesser person by “The Greatest Country in the World”. Because I have a uterus, and for no other reason, others are permitted to make decisions about my body that can have devastating consequences.

Depression, diabetes, hemorrhoids, someone having to cut my vaginal opening wider during childbirth – literally slicing my skin to widen the hole, postpartum depression, ectopic pregnancies leading to a Fallopian tube bursting open and death. Certain death. All on the table for me if someone else decides I’m not allowed to abort.

If I’m forced to give birth the child is an unwanted child. I get to either give them up and put them into the adoption system which is so often cyclical and extremely detrimental to a child’s upbringing, or I get to try and raise them myself. I’m suddenly a mother – something I’ve never wanted. While I don’t want it, I still try my best to do best by the child and teach them values I believe in. But I falter and fail because I am depressed, unable to live the fulfilling life I want for myself, unable to travel, to make my schedule my own, unable to do the work I want to do and instead have to sell my soul to come corporation to make ends meet.

I begrudge the child for taking the life I wanted from me. Then I hate myself for blaming an innocent child.

Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

A year ago I understood that minorities are oppressed. I understood women, people of colour, queer people, disabled people all suffer and are fighting every single day. I acknowledged this and did what I could to help fight against it.

But now I have been punched in the gut with oppression. The last 32 years of being around good men and good people is gone. I’m suddenly not human enough to make decisions about my own body. I am less than those good men. I am less than them for no fault of my own – I didn’t choose to be born with a uterus.

And to be clear – I’m Canadian. Roe being overturned does not affect me directly today. I can still call my doctor tomorrow and schedule an abortion if I need one. I won’t even pay for it.

But this still affects me. It affects me partially because I mourn for those in America who are able to get pregnant. I feel their sorrow, anger, betrayal, fear. The primal fear.

But it also affects me because it means we could be next. American politics affect Canadian politics. They take over our media, our socials, our news. For better or for worse we are ever informed about America’s ideals.

After Trump was elected his cult showed the world that it’s “okay” and even “good” to have these fascist ideals. Prejudice was suddenly acceptable in too many eyes.

The ideals seep over the border. We had the bullshit “Freedom Convoy” here earlier this year because of alt right fucksticks that think getting vaccinated and wearing a mask infringes on their freedoms. They think that living in a free country means being free to impose their sickness on other in any space they want to enter. They don’t understand that their freedom to swing their fist stops at my face.

(Although, maybe not, because I’m just a woman.)

The alt right in America getting louder means the alt right in Canada feels stronger and gets louder. And enough of them don’t want me to have autonomy over my body. They just need to get the right people in the right positions to make it happen.

The last thing I will say specifically about abortion is this. Listen to me clearly.

If I were to find out next week that I am pregnant, I would call my doctor and schedule an abortion. I have discussed this with my spouse and of course he supports me. If we pretend for a second that he didn’t support me in that decision, I would do it anyways and end our relationship immediately. Without a second’s hesitation I would terminate my pregnancy, though that doesn’t mean the decision isn’t a difficult one. It just means I’ve done my hesitating and deciding already, and ultimately understand that if I fell into an unwanted pregnancy I would abort. Safe, in a hospital with plenty of doctors, nurses, equipment, medication.

This is absolutely in no way a decision I make lightly. I currently do everything in my power not to have to have an abortion. I practise safe sex and use contraceptives. I have physical panic attacks and visceral fear any time my period is even hours later than its usual time. But if I found out next week that I was pregnant it would be an extremely early termination of the pregnancy.

You know who gets late-term abortions? 1% of anyone getting an abortion. 1%. And they are people who already consider themselves mothers, parents. They’ve already named their child. They’ve already started putting together their child’s room. They want that child.

But for those 1% of people – 1% – the fetus is dying. Or has died. They have miscarried and the medical procedure to remove the dead fetus from their womb is an abortion. Or the fetus is actively killing the mother and the only way to save the mother’s life is an abortion.

This is 1% of people who have abortions. And these people do not want these abortions. They need them. There is no alternative for them other than death.

Let’s next imagine that abortions were illegal and I found out next week that I was pregnant. I would get an abortion. But in this scenario it would be through trying to find a Misoprostol dosage online, or through a doctor that isn’t performing the procedure legally and who fucking knows how safe it is. Or I’m shoving a coat hanger up myself, throwing myself down a flight of stairs and hoping for the best. That is the reality of the situation for me, a privileged white woman.

What about my friend who also has a uterus, but is a man. He has already struggled through years of confusion and Major Depression before understanding that he was a man, and since understanding himself has had medication, surgery, therapy, and finally is at peace with being a man. He lives his day-to-day quietly just going to work, loving his cat, and putting his best self into the world.

But he still has a uterus. And say next week he’s around another man – who was born physically a man – who decides that my friend needs to be reminded about “who she really is”, attacks him, and impregnates him.

If abortion and all related healthcare isn’t immediately accessible without any hindrance or push back, what will he do?

He’ll throw himself off the top of a 30 storey building into traffic. That’s what he will fucking do.

Which is a final segue.

I don’t know who this fucking piece of shit Associate Justice Clarence is, but he has publicly stated that now Roe has been overturned he wants to revisit contraception, sex by same-sex couples and gay marriage.

Now that one oppressed group has been put in their place, had their rights stripped, and set back 50 years he wants to do the same to others. This does not just affect women or people with a uterus. This affects everyone who has fought for decades to have even the smallest semblance of equality.

This is a sign to all the bigots in the world that their views are “right”. That they have a leg to stand on and that anyone below them deserves to suffer whatever consequences are decided for them. This is a sign that fascism and hate can win.

This is an immeasurable step into a darkest age. This has to be corrected today. Yesterday.

So I’m doing what I can. I have time I can spend on fundraising, I have items I can giveaway, I have a certain tolerance of money I can spend to make a difference.

I can also say that if you agree with Roe being overturned. If you voted for Trump. If you plan to vote Republican in any upcoming election. If you are not more than 100% behind me and our marginalized friends, you need to get the fuck away from me.

I don’t want your filthy money. I don’t want a “yes I’m going to vote Republican BUT”. I don’t want a “but Biden is XYZ”. I want you never to speak to me or, preferably any human ever again.

You don’t deserve my friendship. You don’t deserve the entertainment or environment I aim to provide. You don’t deserve for any of us to even glance at your pitiful fucking message in chat or Discord. Just leave. Get the fuck out of my life.